How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
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