Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
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