“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
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