TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
By the seat of one’s punt
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
"Aloe you vera much."
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
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