It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys

If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.

What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.

(Barry Stebbings)

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.