What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.