A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
You know what they say? Words.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.