How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
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