Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
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