TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
By the seat of one’s punt
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
"Aloe you vera much."
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
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