Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
Seed between the lines.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
‪I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa. ‬
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
She has high elf-esteem.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
"Read between the wines."
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
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