My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.