My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
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