I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
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