My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
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