I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
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