My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
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