I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
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