Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
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