Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
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