I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
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