I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.