I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
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