Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Orange you excited for Halloween?
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
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