My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
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