I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
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