One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
It's ice to meet you.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
I’m soy
into you.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
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