I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
Beer-lieve it or not!
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Ice simply love it when it snows!
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
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