While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
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