Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
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