What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Let me plant one on ya!
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
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