Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
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