What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
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