I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
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