A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
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