What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
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