A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
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