I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
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