Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
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