Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins

Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.