Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
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