Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
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