How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
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