What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.