Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
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