"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
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