It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.