Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Go to BabaMail
