After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.