It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.
I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.
John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.
Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!
This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.
(By Abimbola T. Alabi)
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
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