Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
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