Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.