What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
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