Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.