Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
I think, therefore I’m single.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
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