What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.