If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.
I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.
John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.
Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!
This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.
(By Abimbola T. Alabi)
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.