A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
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