A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.