What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
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