Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
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