So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.