What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
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