Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.