Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!