I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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